


Something I'll Never Have

by nazangel



Series: Carry On Countdown 2019 [11]
Category: Carry On Series - Rainbow Rowell
Genre: Angst, Carry On Countdown (Simon Snow), Carry On Countdown 2019, Emotional Hurt, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-06
Updated: 2019-12-06
Packaged: 2021-02-25 05:15:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,823
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21690805
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nazangel/pseuds/nazangel
Summary: Baz and Simon have a fight while at Baz’s parents’ house. There are feelings.
Relationships: Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch/Simon Snow
Series: Carry On Countdown 2019 [11]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1554211
Comments: 10
Kudos: 112
Collections: Carry On Countdown 2019





	Something I'll Never Have

**BAZ**

I slam the door behind me and stalk down the hall, feeling too angry to think clearly.

"Baz?"

I notice Mordelia standing at her door looking at me curiously.

Damn it to Hell! Are all my siblings up here. Did they hear us?

"Hello, Mordelia. What are you doing up here? Shouldn't you be downstairs,"

She nods, "I spilled something on my dress so father said I should change,"

So everyone else was still downstairs. Good.

"Are you okay, Baz?" asks Mordelia, quietly.

I smile at her, "I'm fine, Mor. Simon and I had a bit of a fight, that's all,"

"Oh. Ok," she says nodding. The answer seems to be enough for her.

"Now, let's go downstairs and make sure Fiona doesn't hex Father," I tell her.

She giggles and nods, tugging me all the way downstairs.

xxx

**SIMON**

The sound of the door slam resonates through my bones and I slump down onto the bed.

Damn it!

Great, I just had a big fight with my boyfriend and now I'm sitting in his room in his family's home while he's downstairs with his family. 

How wonderful.

I had been a little skeptical about spending the weekend here. Baz hadn't wanted to leave me but his siblings had begged and even his father had pulled out the 'I miss you, son" card. Feeling bad, I told him I'd come.

The family has been great so far. The kids are the same as before if a little taller. Fiona keeps teasing us, Daphne's being motherly and even Malcolm seems to like me now that I'm no longer connected to the murderous Mage (Penny's words. Not mine).

The problem turned out to be me and Baz. We had had an argument right before coming here, which lead to a stony silence filled car ride which lead to another stupid argument right now.

I sigh and take my phone out.

Baz, even when angry, is not cruel. He's not going to leave me alone in here too long. He'll probably just cool off for a little while and come and get me for dinner.

I text Penny but she's also spending time with her family this weekend so when she responds with busy, I don't tell her about the fight. I then see if any of my uni friends are free.

No luck.

I took out my laptop and tried to work on as assignment but couldn't concentrate. In the end, I flopped down on the bed to wait for Baz to come back.

Just Great

xxx

**BAZ**

My family knows something's wrong.

Daphne asks me to help in the kitchen, my sisters pick up on my mood and deliberately try to be cute. Fiona annoys my Father more than usual and he tries to be a good sport about it but his eyebrow keeps twitching, and frankly, it's as hilarious as it was when I was ten.

Slowly my anger ebbs away and I start to feel a little ridiculous. The argument wasn't even over anything substantial. We had tiff back at home and because we're both stubborn, neither one of us would apologize in the car which them translated into another stupid argument in my room.

Now, with a clear head, I can admit that I was just nervous at bringing Simon here but they were actually really great about it. So great that I was completely thrown. I pretty much reverted to my Watford persona, leading to Simon to push back. Hence the yelling match.

"Basilton?"

I look up and everyone's looking at me a little concerned.

"Daphne called your name four times, boyo. You alright?" says Fiona

"Oh, sorry. Yes. I'm fine," I say, standing up, "I'm just gonna go see what Simon's up to,"

The adults quickly give each other a look.

Oh, how I hate that.

"Wonderful," says Daphne, "Why don't you bring him down here. Dinner is almost ready,"

I nod and quickly walk up out the room and up the stairs. It's quiet compared to downstairs and I start to feel guilty. I shouldn't have left Simon alone. This place is strange to him and it's my job to make him feel welcome around my family. My Father's 'Welcome again Mr. Snow. Please call me Malcolm' did a better job than me.

I take a deep breath and open the door not knowing what to expect. I peek inside and see Simon lying on the bed face down. I'm a little apprehensive but then Simon raises his head and blinks sleepily. Sighing in relief, I smile. His eyes are a little red but sleepy red and not crying red. More than anything, he just seems a little confused and touseled from his nap.

And he looks so adorable.

"Good nap?" I ask

He blinks again and sits up, "Yeah, I was going to wait for you but then I guess I fell asleep,"

I grimace, feeling guilty again.

"Snow I-" I begin

"Baz-" he starts at the same time

We grin at each other.

"You first," he says

I sit by him and take his hand.

"I'm really sorry. I was being stupid and ridiculous. Our fight was unnecessary and could have been avoided if I had just admitted that I was a little a nervous bringing you here,"

He smiles and squeezes my hands, "Me too, Baz. I guess it's just easier to revert to what we used to to do at Watford,"

I smile, "But we're working on it,"

"Definitely," he smiles and hugs me close

I press my face into his neck and take a deep breath. Simon's hugs are always nice.

The moment is interrupted when Simon's stomach rumbles loudly. Very loudly.

Simon pulls away laughing, "Oops,"

"Come on," I say, pulling him up, "Dinner's probably set up by now,"

My heart flutters as he slips his hand in mine and smiles.

"Let's go,"

**SIMON**

Dinner is quieter then lunch. Probably because the children are tired.

It would be fine. Except that Baz's parents and aunt keep glancing between us.

"So are you two finding everything fine?" asks Daphne

Malcolm and Fiona also look up from their food.

But not at me. They're looking at Baz. Because they're his family and they're worried about him.

I feel a knot beginning in my stomach.

"Of course Mother," Baz says to her.

She smiles brilliantly and finally their eyes turn to me. I quickly put on a smile even though my heart feels heavy.

Malcolm nods once more and goes back to his food. Fiona's eyes linger on Baz again. There's still a bit of concern there.

I don't think anyone's ever looked at me quite like that.

And with a sinking heart, I realize what I'm feeling.

Envy.

I hate it.

**BAZ**

Simon had told me he was fine and he had certainly seemed fine. That was until we got to the table.

Now we're sitting in my room and again I'm wondering what's going on.

"Snow?" I say as I watch him ruffle through our bag.

"Hmm,"

"Simon, please look at me,"

His shoulders drop and he sighs.

When he turns, I feel my heart stop.

He's crying.

"Simon, darling. What wrong?" I say, moving forward and trying to hold him.

He shies away from me though.

"Nothing," he says, shaking his head, "It's stupid,"

"Snow?" I say as I watch more tears fall from his eyes, "Please. You're scaring me,"

"You're gonna think I'm being an idiot,"

"Never," I say fiercely, "Nothing is stupid if it makes you feel bad,"

"I tried to text Penelope after our fight. She wasn't available and neither were any of our other friends,"

I frown, "I thought you said you were fine,"

"I was- I am. This isn't about the fight Baz,"

"Then What-"

Simon hakes his head and pulls at his curls a bit. It breaks my heart to see him like this.

"I'm not doing this right," said Simon, fists clenched.

I gently take his hands away from his hair and turn him toward me.

"Take a deep breath and try again," I tell him

He complies and thinks for a moment before turning to face me properly.

"When you walked out of here, you were angry. What did you do?"

"I went downstairs talked with my family, felt stupid and came up here to apologize," 

"Right and remember the fight we had six months ago. What did you do?"

"Called Fiona and ranted,"

"Okay, and you know what I did?"

I shake my head.

"Today I tried to contact Penelope, it didn't work. That day she was there but she was studying so I told her I was fine even though I wanted to talk about the fight and its fine. It wasn't that bad, I barely remember it. But moments like that and this one make me realize what I don't have,"

"I don't understand, Simon," I tell him

"A family Baz," says, Simon, "I don't have a family,"

I'm stunned. This is not where I expected this to go. And honestly, I don't know what to say. 

Taking advantage of my silence Simon continues, "I don't have a mother I can call and say 'Hi mum my boyfriend is being stupid' or a Father who can I let myself be distracted by. I don't have a crazy aunt that introduces me to hard liquor or extended family I can joke about. I don't have younger siblings that look at me like I'm the best and worst thing to happen,"

He wraps his arm around himself, "I don't have a family I can take you home to,"

Now I have tears in my eyes too and my heart feels like it's going to break. I had no idea Simon was feeling like this.

I gently touch his shoulder and he completely crumples into me. I pull his close until his upper body is resting against my chest, his face tucked against my neck.

"It's usually fine you know, I'm used to it. But today at dinner, they were all so concerned, even Malcolm. They tried not to show it but they were. We had a normal couple argument but they still wanted to make sure you were fine. And at times like that it all just hits me, you know,"

"Simon. I'm sorry. I shouldn't lt have left-"

He shakes his head, "No Baz. I told you I'm fine with that. I was asleep for most of it. And they're your family, you're supposed to feel happy around them. I just- It's something I'll never have and sometimes it sucks. And sometimes it just really really hurts, you know,"

He's crying again, soaking my sweater with his tears. I hold him close, giving him my shoulder to rest on. There's nothing else I can do. There's absolutely nothing in the word that can make this better.

So, I just hold him.


End file.
